Original GI Joe Unimpressed By New GI Joes – Exclusive Interview

 

Joe reminisces.

Joe reminisces.

With the release of the new film, “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”, The-Scuttle.com arranged to meet and have a sit down with the original 1970 G.I. Joe.  He sipped his double mocha with a measured precision and when we asked him about the new G.I. Joes of today’s world, he paused a moment, then fixed his gaze on us with a sniper’s eye.

“I’ve seen the new action figures and I must be frank.  They lack the hirsute charm that really set us apart from your average Ken dolls.”  Joe sat in a sanguine repose, stroking his thick beard of flocked hair.  He seemed almost melancholy.  He was looking smart, even after 50 years, still sporting what appeared to be a perfectly steamed and pressed camouflage jumpsuit.

Joe starkers.

Joe models hirsute face and perfectly waxed elsewheres.

“You have to understand, I had real synthetic flocked hair covering my face and scalp…and yet the rest of my physique was smooth and completely hairless.  Mind you, this was decades before male waxing was considered acceptable or even the norm as it is today.”  Joe looked out the window of the trendy West Hollywood Starbucks and when he scratched his head, his flocked hair remaining perfectly groomed.

“With my exclusive Kung-Fu Grip, I could support the weight of up to four other G.I. Joes while hanging one-handed from the knob of a kitchen drawer.  And I could do the same thing with eight Barbies, but don’t get me started.”  He chuckled to himself, then quickly cleared his throat, resuming his stoic expression.

Cabbage Patch biceps.

Cabbage Patch biceps.

“These days, you’re lucky if Roadblock (referring to the action figure of a new G.I. Joe character played by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) just stands on his own two feet without tipping over.  Look at his biceps — it’s like two Cabbage Patch Kids growing out of his chest.”

Joe relaxing at home.

Joe relaxing at home.

Joe choked and tears welled up in his eyes.  ”I auditioned for a bit part in the film.  A mailman.  There were no lines, but they invited me to make a cameo, so I said what the hell.”  He inhaled and tugged at the enormously oversized dog tag hanging around his neck.   “They said I was too fat.”